Stop Hoping

I remember when I was much younger, "no" was never in my dictionary when i wanted something. Be it a thing, food or going out with friends, i never liked my parents saying "no" to me, or anyone in any case and hence, having all the things i want…. even if theres a "no" i have to face, i will always question "why" and the answer has to be of a certain satisfaction, or else, giving up is never the option.

Guess that is why i never believe in Fate as well. I will always fight for what i want. I believed when i wanted something, i will always get it. I NEVER GAVE IN TO ANYTHING ANYONE ALL MY LIFE. i never believed in "if its meant to be, it will be", for me, its ALWAYS FIGHT FOR WHAT YOU WANT.

But growing up has finally changed this mindset of mine… took me 20years. too late or not too late? it didn't matter… all i know is… i concede to defeat… first time in my life, i shall stop trying… first time in my life, i stop fighting, first time in my life, i don't want to question why anymore.

obviously it took me awhile to stop trying. I never stopped from the day you left. i try everyday, i hope everyday, praying things are just not what i don't want it turn out to be… i cried. i begged. i hoped. i gave my all. in return of begging me to leave him alone….

it is not easy… tell me how am i supposed to for everything we have shared…

others tell you to pick yourself up, to move on, everything will be ok at the end…. yes it will be fine if one didn't choose to give up. But its the process, the everyday of moving on is tough and esp when all i wanted was the opposite, to just run back to you for the warmest hug. You wake up feeling empty, occupied yourself and tried to start the day right, but GUESS WHAT, there will be tiniest things that reminds you of him, of what we used to have, the memories you shared. i can't….. you just break down on the spot and start thinking. then you started hating yourself for being such  loser.. so u picked yourself up, but went to sleep with an empty heart...

But why does empty feeling feel so heavy?

the smell of you still lingers on the tshirt you wore. i hugged it so tightly on the bed we once shared and can't help crying. i looked outside the window and remember how i always used to watch you go home without fails for the past two years. i looked at the kitchen and remember how your back facing me was so familiar, waiting for you to cook for me when i was sick. i put away my laptop so it can never remind me of you, of all the things you've downloaded here. i walk down town, bishan, places we have been together reciting what we were doing on that particular place. i rolled myself in blanket just to feel the warmth i can get from you… i replay videos over and over again to listen to your voice…. i walked the path we used to walk, i listen to the songs you sang over and over again. i forced myself to feel it. yes i am forcing myself to face it. that is the only way i can miss you, i can love you, in secret.

so tell me now, where do i pick myself up.

when i was the happiest with you and you took away everything from me.

when you made me believe in love again when i was at my worst, not being able to give myself or anyone else a chance… but i chose to risk it with you, to believe it again, to go on this adventure with you. But guessed you stood on the shore and watched me drown in the pool you dig.

I forced myself to faced it, to feel it once and for all. to cry my heart out….. and now its time to tell myself, stop hoping…

you are already gone,

ello from Lina on Vimeo.

and all these meant nothing to you.