I have so many words in my head, and i feel so suffocated.
One single thing could actually stirred up to so many things, and i have no idea where do i start, or how should i feel or handle things.. It all falls back to me being an option. Yea, it does sucks to be an option…. But i felt like i have no say in this, as though i am suppose to be sorry to feel shitty.
Because if you asked, "why do u feel so shitty, you were never an option."
I thought so too… I never were an option.. You gave me your best. You don't have much money to bring me anywhere, to buy me anythings i like or even do a random small surprise for me because it all involves money.. and to me, its your best, and i still do appreciate it like how i always tell you "what you sacrifice sometimes may not mean the most to others, but it meant a lot to you and that is actually the biggest sacrifice" of course I'm not saying money meant shit load to you, but it was all that you have and u spend it on me to make me happy even through the smallest things.
Then you gave me your time too. With all the constraints we have now, my crazy working schedule… your curfews, your work, your FYP and sometimes even walking all the way here just to see me for good 15 minutes….and each time i felt like i was the happiest girl alive.
I know, i do know how you'd care for me.. how you'd dote and love me all these while. and I've always been very appreciative about it but forgives me if i do not show because most of them time, intern really took away my soul, and the only thing i could do is just say thank you.
I do wish good things will last, but it never did.
Maybe that night if all the topics about bboy or me didn't came about, we will not have today.
I do blame myself, i can't get words out of my head easily. But like i told you, i did try, mentally, all the time. to not think about it. because i do not want this to affect us ever again. So i'll have to put in effort on this even though u do know it is mentally challenging for people like me. But right now how am i suppose to when each and every single things just brought me back to that…
I remember how we fought that night, but i swear what i remember most was how hurtful it was when u said things to me…. which made me think back again, today, in fact the past 3 days…
i don't know, i was so confused.
maybe it all happen at a wrong time… you know, like what u mentioned, my event was shitty and i really took it in hard because i gave my shit and things still don't go well. and i hate how much effort i put in in this shit intern that is only screwing my life upside down… literally..
and while all this is happening then comes your bboy friend all the way to visit singapore…
don't you think its all just too coincidence…
between me and him?
I know, my intern life is just part and parcel of life… just some shits to go through… but u saw how i cried that night…. how much i needed someone to be there.. i texted u how i was half dying on the way back… how my intern took away so much of my weekend and finally i had an off u promised to spend it together… did i not matter that much after all?
not that i want u to give up all just for me… i know he meant a lot to you…………. a bboy, a competition. he's new to singapore… you are eager to help..
but i thought back and i wish u would at least gave me a call back… to just ask how was i…
but nothing at all.
all i receive was.. just.. about your plans with him… or angry at me that why am i not replying… and had a good quarel with me… not even trying to understand.. just like now, you told me u had a bad day, you lost your phone… everything was bad. next minute you text again to say its ok coldly.. Its almost like you never tried? or? i don't understand….
is this just all about you, or have i ever existed..?
then i asked myself.. i told myself i should try to understand and stop being a bitch… i tried to put myself in your position.. comparing to something i want the most… if you were to be sad some day.. i will still run to you…. thing is, nothing i want the most could be compared to you…
yet again.. maybe everyone loves in a different way..
its okay… i am just telling you all the things in my head, how I've been debating internally,.. and i just couldnt tell you.. i know id cry.. and you hate the most when i cry…..
still… i hope you had a great time with you friend……….
but i just thought you should know when u were having a good time, i did not…
One single thing could actually stirred up to so many things, and i have no idea where do i start, or how should i feel or handle things.. It all falls back to me being an option. Yea, it does sucks to be an option…. But i felt like i have no say in this, as though i am suppose to be sorry to feel shitty.
Because if you asked, "why do u feel so shitty, you were never an option."
I thought so too… I never were an option.. You gave me your best. You don't have much money to bring me anywhere, to buy me anythings i like or even do a random small surprise for me because it all involves money.. and to me, its your best, and i still do appreciate it like how i always tell you "what you sacrifice sometimes may not mean the most to others, but it meant a lot to you and that is actually the biggest sacrifice" of course I'm not saying money meant shit load to you, but it was all that you have and u spend it on me to make me happy even through the smallest things.
Then you gave me your time too. With all the constraints we have now, my crazy working schedule… your curfews, your work, your FYP and sometimes even walking all the way here just to see me for good 15 minutes….and each time i felt like i was the happiest girl alive.
I know, i do know how you'd care for me.. how you'd dote and love me all these while. and I've always been very appreciative about it but forgives me if i do not show because most of them time, intern really took away my soul, and the only thing i could do is just say thank you.
I do wish good things will last, but it never did.
Maybe that night if all the topics about bboy or me didn't came about, we will not have today.
I do blame myself, i can't get words out of my head easily. But like i told you, i did try, mentally, all the time. to not think about it. because i do not want this to affect us ever again. So i'll have to put in effort on this even though u do know it is mentally challenging for people like me. But right now how am i suppose to when each and every single things just brought me back to that…
I remember how we fought that night, but i swear what i remember most was how hurtful it was when u said things to me…. which made me think back again, today, in fact the past 3 days…
i don't know, i was so confused.
maybe it all happen at a wrong time… you know, like what u mentioned, my event was shitty and i really took it in hard because i gave my shit and things still don't go well. and i hate how much effort i put in in this shit intern that is only screwing my life upside down… literally..
and while all this is happening then comes your bboy friend all the way to visit singapore…
don't you think its all just too coincidence…
between me and him?
I know, my intern life is just part and parcel of life… just some shits to go through… but u saw how i cried that night…. how much i needed someone to be there.. i texted u how i was half dying on the way back… how my intern took away so much of my weekend and finally i had an off u promised to spend it together… did i not matter that much after all?
not that i want u to give up all just for me… i know he meant a lot to you…………. a bboy, a competition. he's new to singapore… you are eager to help..
but i thought back and i wish u would at least gave me a call back… to just ask how was i…
but nothing at all.
all i receive was.. just.. about your plans with him… or angry at me that why am i not replying… and had a good quarel with me… not even trying to understand.. just like now, you told me u had a bad day, you lost your phone… everything was bad. next minute you text again to say its ok coldly.. Its almost like you never tried? or? i don't understand….
is this just all about you, or have i ever existed..?
then i asked myself.. i told myself i should try to understand and stop being a bitch… i tried to put myself in your position.. comparing to something i want the most… if you were to be sad some day.. i will still run to you…. thing is, nothing i want the most could be compared to you…
yet again.. maybe everyone loves in a different way..
its okay… i am just telling you all the things in my head, how I've been debating internally,.. and i just couldnt tell you.. i know id cry.. and you hate the most when i cry…..
still… i hope you had a great time with you friend……….
but i just thought you should know when u were having a good time, i did not…
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